Cinnamon
by olivia-save-me
Summary: She tastes like cinnamon, warm and spicy yet soft and sweet. I stick another piece of gum in my mouth, letting the familiar taste roll on my tongue, the soft scent drifting through my nose. It smells like home, and I miss her. It's only been a week since she was taken from me, but the way my body aches for her touch makes it seem like it has been an eternity.


She tastes like cinnamon, warm and spicy yet soft and sweet. I stick another piece of gum in my mouth, letting the familiar taste roll on my tongue, the soft scent drifting through my nose. It smells like home, and I miss her. It's only been a week since she was taken from me, but the way my body aches for her touch makes it seem like it has been an eternity.

Yesterday I walked into the squad room with her favorite sandwich from the bistro down the street because it was Thursday and we have a long standing lunch date on Thursdays whether she is stuck in the squad room or available for a quick bite. I looked at her desk and could hear the ghost of her laugh. I knew she wasn't going to make it for lunch, so I sit at her desk and eat like I always do when she is busy. But when I sit in her chair it's cold and there isn't a stack of papers for me to push out of the way. I run my hand across the cold metal and I can feel her strong arms wrapping around my shoulders. I sit perfectly still, knowing that with even a simple blink I will lose the touch, lose her.

The whole squad room just looks at me as I relax into her chair and a stray tear rolls down my face. I have been around long enough that they know to just let me be, to not talk to me. They've all witnessed one too many episodes of me bursting into tears when asked what is wrong, or been on the receiving end of a raging fire exploding from my mouth when told Liv would be okay. If that was what would happen when we knew Liv was going to be okay, I know they can't even imagine what my reaction would be like today.

But what they don't know is that if they approached me right now, I would be numb, cold, distant. My whole world has been ripped away from me by a sadistic serial rapist and murderer. William Lewis has taken from me the only thing I care about in this entire world. Before, I would scream because I knew when Liv was in charge, she would come home to me in one piece. I would scream because only an idiot would let her out in the field when stakes were so high. But I would scream because I knew that once she came back to me, I would no longer be angry, but relieved. Now I don't know if she is coming back to me at all.

I pack up my things when I am finished but don't bother acknowledging the pitiful gazes on my back by her fellow detectives. They should have known better. They should have protected her. Hell, I should have known better. If I hadn't forgotten to lock the deadbolt before I left that morning.

I drive around the city aimlessly, eventually ending up in Queens. If Liv knew I was here she would be so angry with me, but I don't know what else to do. I pull up to the familiar house, the house where I used to make potato salad while Elliot would make burgers on the grill, Liv carrying baby Eli with one arm and helping Kathy make dessert with the other. Until two years ago we spent every holiday together, every summer we would have countless cookouts and games of flag football in the yard.

I knock on the door tentatively. I can see Elliot's car in the driveway but deep down I wish that he wouldn't be home so I could leave and wallow in pity somewhere else. But as quickly as the thought flashes in my mind, the door opens and Elliot is standing before me. He eyes me up and down carefully, remembering the last time I came to his doorstep were under much different, angrier circumstances. I hope all can be forgiven, at least for today. His facial features soften at the sight of me, I must be a mess. I know I haven't brushed my hair today, I'm wearing Liv's NYPD sweatshirt that is too big for me and I think my right shoe may have a hole in it.

He invites me in and we sit at the table. We sit in silence for a while but I can tell by the way his jaw is clenched that it wouldn't last much longer. He asks me why I am here, and I explain to him that she has been taken. I tell him about how I can't sleep, how I don't know what to do. He looks at me with big eyes as I explain the case, what all the monster has done, what all he is capable of. I catch my breath with a shudder, not realizing until now that I have been crying, and probably have been this whole time. As I slow my breathing I ask one thing of Elliot, that he would pray with me. It's been a long time since I bowed my head to ask for anything of creator of this universe. Hell, even now as I sit here begging an invisible being for help, I still am not sure of exactly who or what I am talking to. Am I talking to a tall man with a long beard who wears a crown of thorns or a galaxy of stardust? Am I talking to a 13 year old who just got third place in her middle school science fair for her creation? Who knows, but whoever it is out there, I beg of them to please bring my sweet, sweet Olivia home to me.

I don't stay much longer, unable to bear the guilt of going to the last person Olivia would want me to see when she is probably suffering horribly. I couldn't be strong for her this time, I have failed her. I hope she can forgive me. As I walk out the front door to the Stabler house my moves are precise and purposeful. I hear Elliot call to me that once she comes home that he will reach out, that he's sorry for being such an ass. I want to turn around and scream at him, we don't know if she is ever coming home, that he is a horrible friend and it shouldn't take something this drastic for him to realize that what they had was special, that the bond they shared was special. The last thing she will need if she comes home is more emotional turmoil at the hands of Elliot Stabler.

I'm so tired and all I want to do is go to bed, but I don't think I can handle one more night in the hotel room the department has put me up in as they use our apartment as an active crime scene. I think yesterday they told me I could go home, but I couldn't bring myself to go back to where Liv and I shared our life without her. So I decided to stay at the hotel, and Cragen gave no complaint. After everything Liv has given them, even everything I have given them, this is the least they can do for me.

I try to exit my SUV to head straight to my room, deciding that one more night couldn't hurt when a shrill ring erupting from my purse halts my motion. I place the phone to my ear without bothering to check who was calling.

"We have her, you need to come to the precinct."

I drop the phone on the asphalt by my one foot and can hear the glass shatter. I pull myself back into the vehicle, grabbing the device on my way in. I put the car in drive and drive to the precinct as fast as traffic laws will allow, maybe even faster. I pull to the curb and see news reporters gathering around the steps. I slam my car door and run into the building, ignoring all of the cries of attention from the reporters. I make my way to the elevator, and it is eerily silent in the lobby and as the doors open, the cab is strangely empty. I push the button for the 5th floor and anxiously tap my foot and twiddle the loose hem on the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

The elevator dings and I am off of it before the doors can finish opening. Nick and Amanda are standing together around a cluster of desks. They see me walk in and point to the captain's office. Munch nods at me and says "It's okay, Doc, we've got her. She is home."

I cross the room in a hurry but halt before I get to the closed door. I don't know whether to knock or to just walk in. I decide on the former and hope that the noise doesn't startle my poor baby. Cragen must know it is me as a hurried "Come in" can be heard through the door. I hear weak protests come from Liv, she doesn't want any more people to see her than have to. I enter quietly and shut the door behind me. She is standing with her back to me and she is wearing the spare outfit from her locker in the crib. Her left arm is in a sling and she is heavily favoring her right side. I have to force myself to turn off my inner clinician. This is my partner, not some patient in the ER. Cragen makes eye contact as I slowly walk around to the side of Liv that I have deemed less injured.

"Liv?"

She jerks her body towards me at the sound of my voice and I can see tears sparkling in her eyes.

"Liv, baby, it's me. Are you ready to go home?"

She nods but doesn't move. I take a careful step toward her, not wanting to frighten her.

"Okay, baby. Let's go home."

I turn to leave, hoping she would follow, but I am stopped by a hand on my shoulder. I turn back to face Olivia and her grip never lessens. I look at her as she looks at me. I take in the cuts and bruises across the visible parts of her body, a healing burn peeking out from her neckline. Her hand travels down my arm and grips my hip. I can tell what she is doing, I have seen her do it before.

"It's me Liv. I am here with you, this is real life, you are safe now. I promise."

It is then that her arm snakes around my waist and pulls me close. She hunches over as much as she can and buries her head in the crook of my neck. I can feel hot tears soaking through my clothes. I carefully lay my fingers on her upper arms, letting her know I am there. She tenses for a moment the relaxes and I take that as my cue to fully envelop her. I press a soft kiss to her hair, inhaling deeply.

She is dirty and broken, but she still smells like cinnamon, warm and spicy, yet soft and sweet. She may have been the one who has just been rescued, but I feel like the one who has been returned home.


End file.
